Cutting and self harm has been mentioned alot recently online. I thought I would share my story.
Please note, this post contains details of self harm and depression.
I started cutting when I was a teenager. I can’t even remember when or even why.
I was bullied alot. Often by my friends. I’d become close with someone and then it was almost like they would get fed up of me and would basically just ditch me. But they would then start turning nasty on me and alienate me from my friends. This started in primary school. Every second year I’d have to start again. I tried being myself and it didn’t work. I tried being who I thought others wanted me to be and again it didn’t work.
I started going out with a boy when I was 14. But he hadn’t kissed or been with anyone else so every few months he would split with me to ‘sew his wild oats’. He would ask out my friends then when they would turn him down he would come back to me and because I was so lonely I would always take him back.
He did this to me so many times that I believed I was worthless. I know that during this relationship I cut. I would use my razor on my wrists. I would cut till I bled as it felt like my troubles were pouring out. I was able to cover it with a wrist support that I was able to tell people was needed for me playing badminton at school.
At the end of my fifth year at high school he went on holiday and met another girl he wanted to be with. So again he left me and didn’t care. That was the last time we split.
That was also when my life totally changed.
I took an overdose of cocodamol that I found in the house. They were huge 500mg tablets for my mum and I remember taking about 20 before my body started rejecting them and I started sneezing. Partially digested tablets were coming out and I couldn’t take anymore I was sneezing so violently. I called my sister who called my mum who came home and took me to a&e. As I was still conscious I was made to drink charcoal for 5 hours. This is 4 hours after it’d be effective.
I had to come back the next day to see a shrink.
She wanted to see me again.
I went back 2 weeks later and when I asked her if I could continue to see someone she promised to contact me with details of support groups. She never did.
I decided instead of having to face my ex for my last year of school, to go to uni a year early.
So I moved to Edinburgh.
I met up with who I thought was a nice guy during my freshers week. I said I didn’t want things to go quickly. But he was a giant in comparison to me and…
He forced himself on me.
He didn’t use protection either.
He did it again before he left me in my room.
That night I lay in bed crying my eyes out as I burned internally. I was totally alone in halls. No friends to call as they where all in school. I didn’t know what to do. So I cut to take away the shame of what had happened.
At last I was in control.
I was able to decide how much I hurt instead of someone else doing it to me.
I met another boy at the end of the week and we fell into a relationship. We where together for 3 years.
I struggled with my feelings of being bisexual. My boyfriend didn’t understand. He made me feel guilty about it.
I also started on the pill, but the first one I was on gave me awful migraines, so I was put onto another type. This sent me into an awful depressive spiral.
Obviously I came off the pill, but it left the depression in me.
I lost my gran then. She was my best friend and I struggled with the loss. I still struggle now almost 10 years on. I started smoking and drinking and was on a self destruction route. My best friend picked me up on this and didn’t want to see me hurt. So instead I turned to the blade.
Instead of my razor blade, I used a steak knife. Instead of just my wrists, I went all the way up my forearms.
The release felt good.I would cut as soon as my scars would start to heal. I didn’t feel comfortable without their sting.
My boyfriend couldn’t cope with my sexuality so I left him. I was threatened by my best friends ex girlfriend too. She tried to attack me in the street. So I went back home and cut again.
My best friend then became my boyfriend. Who became my fiance, husband and father of my sons.
He understands my need to self harm. He knows all of my past and tried to help me survive my future.
I still have the urge to cut.
Today, my eldest was really hurting me physically whilst I was feeding my youngest and I got so angry and upset. I wanted to throw him to the floor and hurt him. When I realised that my pnd was taking me there, I instead decided to take out my anger on myself. I held the blade in my hand, but felt guilty leaving the boys on their own, I put it down instead.
I tried to seek advice from friends, but felt I got abuse from one. This didn’t help. Strangely enough, a friend I only know online helped me. She showed me some support and she probably doesn’t even know, but her little reply on Facebook stopped me from doing some real harm to myself.
I’ve been cheated on by those I love, lied to, excluded from and by family that I am a shell of a person now.
I’m on medication that doesn’t work, I see a shrink who doesn’t care and anytime I seek help from the nhs, they never follow through and I’m left chasing people.
I have struggled with depression, also pre and postnatal depression and ptsd for over 13 years and I can’t ever now see a time when I won’t feel this way. Over half my life I have self harmed and I can’t see another way.
What I will say though, is that I lash out at people. I know I do. But it’s not on purpose. I have anger inside and it either comes out in aggression or it is taken out on my arms. I apologise to people I shout at. I don’t mean to, but it does mean I haven’t picked up a blade.
If you’re a self harmer, please know you are not alone. If you are not, then just think about what hides behind the smile.