The things you think when you can’t sleep

Yet again it is me who has woken in the night and is unable to get back to sleep, not either of the boys!
I think I’m afraid to close my eyes and drift off and I think I know why. Ptsd shows it’s ugly head again!

When I was being told that Ali was in danger and he had to be born straight away my mental status changed. I suddenly didn’t care what happened to me as long as they saved the life inside me. I was being stabbed in various places so they could give me steroids, take blood and whatever else they thought was necessary.

I was a complete passenger, even through the rush in the ambulance and surgery prep I just went along with everything. I was already mentally numb.
I didn’t properly realise how serious things where until I was told that there wasn’t enough time to give me a spinal block or epidural and that it would have to be a general.

Having now had a spinal and seeing how quick it took effect, it’s shaken me.

At this point I said my goodbyes.

I didn’t realise that it wasn’t just the baby’s life that was in danger, it was mine too.
He was dying inside me and my body was starting to reject him.

I feel like I should have died there and then and I’m still finding it hard to come to terms with it not happening.

I’m afraid that one of the times I close my eyes that I wont wake up. I’ll never see my loved ones again.

Or there is my other thought, that I’m still under the general and this is all just a random drug induced dream. That I’ll wake up and Ali will be back in the incubator and we have to go through it all again.

So maybe these drugs aren’t working afterall…

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